Swine flu. Run for my life!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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