a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
