I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
