we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize