Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
