I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
