I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
