Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
