Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
