I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
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