I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
