i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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