Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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