I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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