does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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