you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
