So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
