life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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