I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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