the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just found puke in my bra..
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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