I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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