Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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