Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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