My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize