Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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