it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I deserve this hangover.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
