And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
