I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
