it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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