OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Randomize
