A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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