he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
