Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
