I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
