Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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