If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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