Jerry, you need to find god
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
