My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
