If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
