I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
