Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
