the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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