i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I think pants incapable of making pants work
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
