i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
