I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
