I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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