Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
