ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
