Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
