When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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