I think I won the penis lottery.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You have to summon your inner elephant
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Randomize
