just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
