Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
