can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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