smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
