Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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